Category Archives: Mental Health

12.27.24
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Thoughts: 2024 Was a Surreal Year

After a few years trying, I got a decent photo with Santa!

It’s the post-Xmas come down and I’m totally here for it. I’m taking time for myself and focusing on resting and recharging.

2024 has been a surreal year. Surreal really is the best word for it.

I didn’t really know what to expect when it started, except for one solid idea: 2024’s theme was going to be a Springtime for me. This idea was birthed in reflection of what had been a particularly challenging 6 or 7 years – a period of time in which I learned just how resilient I am, just how much support and friendship I have.

I am immensely grateful for those people in my life who understand my weird, and enable it!

January 2024 saw me cut my traditional Christmas vacation short to focus returning to my employment of 5 1/2 years and do a handover of the work I’d been doing. Monday to Friday of that first work-week of the year being diligent. Was it appreciated? No… not really. I found out after the fact that my notes weren’t distributed or communicated to anybody for more than several weeks. Really this just drew a solid line under that role. I made the correct decision to go.

(This could be a lesson for all – there is no job so important that you need to tolerate poor leadership, especially if it harms you or your colleagues)

I started a new role – still focusing on the health of workers, but removing the mental health aspect of the work. Being removed from the vicarious trauma I had been exposed to over the previous years, proved healing. We had a small but perfectly-formed team, and we were growing a business. In mid-year, there was a significant redeployment and half my team were gone. I don’t think this change was particularly managed well or communicated well, but it was what it was. I determined to focus on what I could control and not worry about the aspects that were outside of my control. After all, I had something to look forward to… my long-overdue return to the UK to reconnect with family after 6 1/2 years. This became my ‘reason’ and certainly helped navigate a frustrating time.

The trip was just what I needed. I wanted to learn if I still enjoyed travel (yes, yes I do), to learn if I am tolerant of fellow travelers despite all their BS (yes, yes I am). I’m impressed with how far technology has come in the last years – eSIMs (I recommend Airolo – https://ref.airalo.com/76GR – use my code SIMON2978 when you sign up), and the Wise Card for international funds and localised PayWave/Payments (https://wise.com/invite/dic/simonjohnd18).

Westminster
Bonfire in the village for all the locals
Bath
Wells Cathedral
Wells Cathedral

Serendipitously, a month or so before my trip, I was asked to apply for a new role. I was successful and started on my return from England. (That was a weird week – landed back in Auckland on the Saturday morning, started at the job Monday morning, had three teeth extracted on Wednesday morning!)

Finishing up 2024, it’s been a rollercoaster 6 weeks. I’ve definitely hit the ground running with my new team (they’re all amazing people) and I’m really looking forward to seeing what we can achieve in 2025.

My theme for 2025? It’s Growth – Make a Difference.

Now to spend some time considering what this looks like, and developing a plan for execution! Sigh – business guy speak. I’m supposed to be on holiday!

Other things of interest from this year? My adult children have done well at University and are happy and healthy. My daughter has become a significantly better bassist than me – something to do with effort and a lot of practice. I wasn’t really that disciplined. My son got a few A+’s in his degree so has a good idea of what he’ll be wanting to be doing. Between now and finding his first role, he’ll be continuing down the Warhammer rabbithole. I’m not mad about this! It creates gifting opportunities.

I know that next year will see me travel more. Vietnam/Thailand/Cambodia are on my list. A return to China? Singapore? Hong Kong? Back to the UK again? So many options… Now to dream and plan.

I hope you all have a relaxing Christmas and New Year, and I hope that 2025 brings you all you wish for.

^SJD

06.16.24
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Thoughts: A hatred of exercise vs a compulsion to complete a goal

This post has been seven years in the writing.

Back in 2016, post-Xmas, I decided I was fat and unfit and had the inclination to do something about it.

Some quick research led me to what was then named ‘Couch to 5K’. It’s an app designed to gradually take someone who’s sedentary and hasn’t run in their life, to being able to run a 5km distance. (It’s now called ‘5K Runner‘ by the way).

Today, June 16th 2024, I completed the challenge. Yes, I want to die, but I’ve ticked this one off.

Looking back, it’s been quite the journey.

Starting on December 27, 2016 – I embarked on a 25 minute walk/run. Basically 6 one-minute ‘runs’ with 90 second recovery periods. So not terrifying – but on reflecting it wasn’t as easy as it sounds. I managed to persevere until the 9th of Feb 2017 – at which point I twinged something. Made a restart of the programme on May 6th and continued through to June 25th – at which point I twinged something. Restarted August 17th – twinged something. Restarted 18th October then twinged something 26th October. Restarted 22nd November… you get the idea.

I was very stop/start. And rapidly lost interest. I’d managed to achieve the ‘1/2 way to 5k’ badge – but it felt hollow.

Covid arrived and given the time spent at home walking a lot, I decided to have another go. January 2022 – THIS was going to be my year. It wasn’t. I managed to go for four runs, then pulled something in my calf.

At that time I worked out that my old running shoes were actually trying to kill me. And my old running shorts were chafing my inner thighs to unfriendly levels.

So, I made use of the time off to spend some money and purchase running gear that was appropriate.

August 2022 – had another go. Then stopped.

January 2023 – had another go. Stopped in February 2023.

October 2023 – had another go. Once.

You get the idea. I really was fighting an internal battle with this goal.

In January 2024, I determined that THIS was my year. I replaced cabled headphones with AirPods. I found a fanny-pack that could house my phone and not bounce around uncomfortably. I bought an Apple Watch and became obsessed with tracking my health data.

So – shoes, shorts, shirts, phone, sounds, monitoring… everything was in place. But really what has made the difference, on reflection, is that I changed jobs in January. All of a sudden I had the psychological headspace to actually focus on me. No longer was I having to carry ‘other people’s trauma’. In 2024 I have been able to develop a routine. 2-3 runs per week. Repeating a days run if necessary. Running within my capability – not pushing hard. Training my legs to be able to keep moving. Training my lungs to keep breathing.

Yes, there were times of insecurity. I was in danger of being overtaken by people in wheelchairs at times. I’m pretty sure I don’t look comfortable. But I have been able to put those thoughts aside.

I started to notice other runners – how they move. Did you know there’s a runners code? A raised eyebrow of knowing. And a slight air of superiority as you run past non-runners. I’m in the club now!

It astonishes me that today I ran 35 minutes without a break. It’s a long way from 60 seconds and struggling.

Don’t get me wrong, I still think exercise is stupid. But my need to complete something that I began so long ago compelled me. Am I better for it? Absolutely! Will I continue? Absolutely.

So, thank you Fitness22, great software. I’m glad we met.

^SJD

02.06.21
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Thoughts: Mental Health and Wellbeing

Ok. We need to talk. I know I’m strong and resilient. I also know that I am severely impacted by the events of 2020 and now.

I know that most people are also impacted, and many people are simply unaware that they are impacted.

I work in a business that provides mental health support. I talk to people everyday about how to support their people, so I’m acutely aware of the world and also acutely aware of self.

I am not quite right. And this is Ok. It’s important to acknowledge. It’s important to be able to talk about it.

I’ve noticed a few things that are subtly dictating my behavior and how I interact.

I am struggling with going ‘out’. I can’t do crowds at the moment. For example, I lasted an hour at the Sky City 90’s party last week. The crowds sucked, Annie Crummer was cool. She’s still got it. Go Annie!

I have increased frustration with my friends. Plans made get cancelled or rainchecked at the last minute so there’s no time to make new plans. Therefore I end up staying home. I can’t take myself out solo to see the Viaduct. Side note: What the hell does one do solo in the Viaduct anyway? Especially when one struggles to interact. (NZ culture looks at single, middle-aged white men out and about with a certain unhelpful filter).

My self-diagnosis (note: I’m NOT a clinically trained professional) would suggest I’m not depressed. My day-to-day is fine. I’m not anxious. I’m just not that interested in being in the world.

I do have friends that care. I could have seen Russell Howard tonight (for example) but the idea of being in a closed room full of strangers? Nope. Couldn’t do it.

I’ve been invited to watch the SuperBowl on Monday with an American colleague. Would love to. But there are strangers there. I don’t have the energy. So I’ll stay home, make chilli and drink Budweiser, and watch it alone.

My tolerance levels have reduced. I get grumpy with friends who tell me about their fun evenings out (having not invited me) with people they’ve told me about, introduced me to, and then actively prevented me from getting to know. And then when I point this out I get ghosted for a week. So that’s cool.

It’s not all a self-involved whine though. Tomorrow will be a good day. I’m going to have fun with a new group of friends. And I’m actively forcing myself to lower my guards. Be open to new connections.

Mental health is a weird beast to manage. As we all have varying levels of physical fitness, we have varying levels of mental fitness.

The key for me is to recognise that I’m not 100%, to focus on what I can manage and improve, and to be kind to myself about the rest.

Oh… and happy Waitangi Day fellow Kiwis!